NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. This Could Happen: J.Lo as Carmen Sandiego
There are so many things wrong with this; I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start with Carmen herself. Carmen is a bad ass chick that went from being one of the best detectives A.C.M.E had working to an untouchable ring leader of a giant crime syndicate (V.I.L.E.). Jennifer Lopez is a sub par singer* with a big ass who can’t even keep a record deal. NO. If Carmen Sandiego danced away with the Trans-Siberian railroad, then by all means, consider J. Lo; But, she doesn’t, so someone get Angelina Jolie’s people on the phone. (Don’t act like she wouldn’t be a killer Carmen, Jolie could rock that hat and trench coat easy!**) If J. Lo is Carmen Sandiego then they might as well get Tyler Perry to play the chief, as a woman (obviously).
So, now that we all agree (as if we didn’t before) that J-Lo would be the worst. Let’s talk about this plot. According to this article, her former partner is tracking her down? NO. Everybody knows that it’s got to be two teenage gumshoes hired by A.C.M.E. to find her. I’ll even compromise and agree to “fresh-out-of detective school” twenty-somethings, but former partner!? That’s outrageous.
The only thing they have right is questioning whether she’s a thief or hero. I’ve always thought there was more to Carmen than we understood. Maybe A.C.M.E. isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, maybe she saw something she wasn’t supposed to see and now she’s on the run from whoever the real villain is. That would be a great storyline to explore, really dive into who Carmen Sandiego really is.
The point is the movie should take the audience on an adventure throughout the world. Carmen Sandiego: the movie, should be an exciting mystery with danger around every corner NOT a vehicle for Jennifer Lopez.
I say get these guys in the writing room, at least they’re on the right track: Where the Fuck is Carmen Sandiego
With that, I leave you with a reminder of happier times: Hit it Rockapella!
*If Jennifer Lopez sings some sort of “theme” or “Music Inspired by” for the movie, I’m burning this place down.
**Time NewsFeed suggests Rosario Dawson, I could be down with that.