NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. This Could Happen: J.Lo as Carmen Sandiego
There are so many things wrong with this; I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start with Carmen herself. Carmen is a bad ass chick that went from being one of the best detectives A.C.M.E had working to an untouchable ring leader of a giant crime syndicate (V.I.L.E.). Jennifer Lopez is a sub par singer* with a big ass who can’t even keep a record deal. NO. If Carmen Sandiego danced away with the Trans-Siberian railroad, then by all means, consider J. Lo; But, she doesn’t, so someone get Angelina Jolie’s people on the phone. (Don’t act like she wouldn’t be a killer Carmen, Jolie could rock that hat and trench coat easy!**) If J. Lo is Carmen Sandiego then they might as well get Tyler Perry to play the chief, as a woman (obviously).
So, now that we all agree (as if we didn’t before) that J-Lo would be the worst. Let’s talk about this plot. According to this article, her former partner is tracking her down? NO. Everybody knows that it’s got to be two teenage gumshoes hired by A.C.M.E. to find her. I’ll even compromise and agree to “fresh-out-of detective school” twenty-somethings, but former partner!? That’s outrageous.
The only thing they have right is questioning whether she’s a thief or hero. I’ve always thought there was more to Carmen than we understood. Maybe A.C.M.E. isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, maybe she saw something she wasn’t supposed to see and now she’s on the run from whoever the real villain is. That would be a great storyline to explore, really dive into who Carmen Sandiego really is.
The point is the movie should take the audience on an adventure throughout the world. Carmen Sandiego: the movie, should be an exciting mystery with danger around every corner NOT a vehicle for Jennifer Lopez.
I say get these guys in the writing room, at least they’re on the right track: Where the Fuck is Carmen Sandiego
With that, I leave you with a reminder of happier times: Hit it Rockapella!
*If Jennifer Lopez sings some sort of “theme” or “Music Inspired by” for the movie, I’m burning this place down.
**Time NewsFeed suggests Rosario Dawson, I could be down with that.
This is another one of those things that we had/have recorded on VHS tape. It’s definitely worn out, because I can’t remember a year that my sister and I didn’t watch it. In fact, I think the first year that I didn’t watch it, was my first year at Georgia State in 2002. Even though I wasn’t at home to watch it, (because I would’ve and had Youtube been a thing, I would have definitely looked it up), I could confidently say that my sister did.
Sidebar: If you don’t remember this particular version, there was an updated one that Disney also showed: http://youtu.be/qyuwSOqcnrk
More Halloween fun! As a kid The Elephant Show was my favorite. So when I moved from Connecticut, where we had cable (up through HBO/Disney Channel), to Georgia, where the cable lines didn’t even run to my grandparents house, my parents recorded all my sister’s and I favorite shows, so we wouldn’t go into too much of a culture shock. We had, well still have, tapes and tapes of The Elephant Show. Around Halloween, I always think of this particular song, with the kid in his glow in the dark skeleton costume singing ‘Dem Bones’ with Sharon, Lois and Bram.